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He cursed him in eating, he cursed him in drinking,
He cursed him living, he cursed him dying !
But what gave rise
To no little surprise,
The day was gone,
The night came on,
When the sacristan saw,
On crumpled claw,
No longer gay,
As on yesterday;
His eye so dim,
So wasted each limb, That, heedless of grammar, they all cried, “ THAT'S HIM!— That's the scamp that has done this scandalous thing! That's the thief that has got my Lord Cardinal's Ring!”
The poor little Jackdaw,
When the monks he saw,
Slower and slower
He limp'd on before,
Where the first thing they saw,
'Midst the sticks and the straw,
The mute expression
Served in lieu of confession,
-When those words were heard,
Was so changed in a moment, 'twas really absurd.
He grew sleek, and fat;
In addition to that,
His tail waggled more
Even than before;
He hopp'd now about
With a gait devout;
That good Jackdaw
Would give a great “Caw!"
He long lived the pride
Of that country side,
When as words were too faint
His merits to paint,
.–From the Ingoldsby Legends.
“ THE MAN OF THE WORLD.”
SiR PERTINAX. EGERTON. Sir P. Charles, I have often told you, and now again I tell you, once for aw, that the manæuvres of pliability are as necessary to rise in the world as wrangling and logical subtlety are to rise at the bar: why, you see, sir, I have acquired a noble fortune, a princely fortune and how do you think I raised it?
Eger. Doubtless, sir, by your abilities.
Sir P. Doubtless, sir, you are a blockhead: nae, sir, I'll tell you how I raised it:-sir, I raised it—by booing—[Bows very low]—by booing: sir, I never could stand straight in the presence of a great mon, but always booed, and booed, and booed—as it were by instinct.
Eger. How do you mean by instinct, sir?
Sir P. How do I mean by instinct !--Why, sir, I mean by -by-by the instinct of interest, sir, which is the universal instinct of mankind. Sir, it is wonderful to think what a cordial, what an amicable--nay, what an infallible influence booing has upon the pride and vanity of human nature. Charles, answer me sincerely, have you a mind to be convinced of the force of my doctrine by example and demonstration ?
Eger. Certainly, sir.
Sir P. Then, sir, as the greatest favour I can confer upon you, I'll give you a short sketch of the stages of my booing, as an excitement, and a landmark to boo by, and as an infallible nostrum, for a man of the world to rise in the world.
Eger. Sir, I shall be proud to profit by your experience.
Sir P. Vary weel, sir; sit ye down then, sit you down here. -[They sit]-And now, sir, you must recall to your thoughts, that your grandfather was a man whose penurious income of captain's half-pay was the sum total of his fortune; and, sir, aw my provision fra him was a modicum of Latin, an expertness in arithmetic, and a short system of worldly counsel; the principal ingredients of which were, a persevering industry, a rigid economy, a smooth tongue, a pliability of temper, and a constant attention to make every mon well pleased with himself.
Eger. Very prudent advice, sir.
Sir P. Therefore, sir, I lay it before you. Now, sir, with these materials I set out, a raw-boned stripling fra the North, to try my fortune with them here, in the Sooth; and my first step in the world was a beggarly clerkship in Sawney Gordon's counting house, here in the city of London, which you'll say afforded but a barren sort of prospect.
Eger. It was not a very fertile one indeed, sir.
Sir P. The reverse, the reverse. Weel, sir, seeing myself in this unprofitable situation, I reflected deeply; I cast about my thoughts morning, noon, and night;- and marked every man and every mode of prosperity; at last I concluded that a matrimonial adventure, prudently conducted, would be the readiest gait I could gang for the bettering of my condition, and accordingly I set aboot it. Now, sir, in this pursuit, beauty !--ah! beauty often struck my een, and played about my heart; and fluttered, and beat, and knocked, and knocked; but the devil an entrance I ever let it get: for I observed, sir, that beauty is, generally, a-proud, vain, saucy, expensive, impertinent sort of a commodity.
Eger. Very justly observed.
Sir P. And therefore, sir, I left it for prodigals and coxcombs, that could afford to pay for it; and, in its stead, sir, mark !—I looked out for an ancient, weel-jointured, superannuated dowager; a consumptive, toothless, phythisicky, wealthy widow; or a shrivelled, cadaverous piece of deformity, in the shape of an izzard, or an appersi-and-or, in short, ainy thing, ainy thing that had the siller—the siller—for that, sir, was the north-star of my affections. Do you take me, sir? was nae that right?
Eger. O doubtless, doubtless, sir.
Sir P. Now, sir, where do you think I ganged to look for this woman with the siller?nae till court, nae till playhouses or assemblies—nae, sir, I ganged till the kirk, till the Anabaptist, Independent, Bradlonian, and Muggletonian meetings; till the morning and evening service of churches and chapels of ease, and till the midnight, melting, conciliating love-feasts of the Methodists; and there, sir, at last I fell upon an old, slighted antiquated, musty maiden, that looked--ha, ha, ha! she looked just like a skeleton in a surgeon's glass case. Now, sir, this miserable object was religiously angry with herself and all the world; 'had nae comfort but in metaphysical visions and supernatural deliriums—ha, ha, ha! Sir, she was as mad-as mad as a Bedlamite.
Eger. Not improbable, sir: there are numbers of poor creatures in the same condition.
Sir P. Oh, numbers, numbers. Now, sir, this cracked creature used to pray, and sing, and sigh, and groan, and weep, and wail, and gnash her teeth, constantly, morning and evening, at the Tabernacle at Moorfields; and, as soon as I found she had the siller, aha! guid traith, I plumped me down upon my knees, close by her-cheek by jowl_and prayed, and sighed, and sung, and groaned, and gnashed my teeth as vehemently as she could do for the life of her; ay, and turned up the whites of mine een, till the strings awmost cracked again. I watched her motions, handed her till her chair, waited on her home, got most religiously intimate with her in week-married her in a fortnight, buried her in a month; hed the siller, and with a deep suit of mourning, a melan
port, a sorrowful visage, and a joyful heart, I began the I again; and this, sir, was the first boo—that is, the first effectual boo—I ever made till the vanity of human nature.[Rises. Now, sir, do you understand this doctrine?
Eger. Perfectly well, sir.
Sir P. Ay, but was it not right? was it not, ingenious, and weel hit off?
Eger. Certainly, sir; extremely well.
Sir P. My next boo, sir, was till your ain mother, whom I ran away with fra the boarding-school: by the interest of whose family I got a guid smart place in the Treasury; and, sir, my very next step was intill parliament; the which I entered with as ardent and determined an ambition as ever agitated the heart of Cæsar himself. Sir, I booed, and watched, and hearkened, and ran aboot, backwards and forwards, and attended and dangled upon the then great mon, till I got intill the very bowels of his confidence, and then, sir, I wriggled and wrought, and wriggled, till I wriggled myself among the vary thick of them; ha! I got my snack of the clothing, the foraging, the contracts, the lottery tickets, and aw the political bonuses: till at length, sir, I became a much wealthier mon than one-half of the golden calves I had been so long a booing to: and was nae that booing to some purpose:-Charles Macklin.
To paint the passion's force, and mark it well,
The word and action should conjointly suit,