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Nicht wi' RUDDOCK." He is to be at dinner, and a few very intimates are coming in the evening. The few "very intimates" have no distance to drivemerely a matter of eight miles or so. From my window I hear carriages drawing up exactly at two minutes

o'clock. Punctuality in Cornwall is the soul of pleasure.

Odd: at the last moment I can't find either a collar or a white tie! Come, Desperation, lend thy furious hold!" Rummage in the drawers, in the portmanteau. Staggered. Where can it be?-the collar, I mean. Rummage again. Getting hot and excited. Ought always to come down to dinner calm, cool, and collected. I shall be the only one late, and I hadn't to come twelve miles to

A NOVEL kind of Christmas Box is suggested by a legend which Mr. Punch lately beheld in the window of a hair-dresser's shop-dinner. No excuse except the real one,-"Couldn't find my collars, or a tie." Only one

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Presents for Christmas." Chigwas posted in the midst of a variety of Chignons. A box containing a quantity of false hair is the Christmas-Box thereby presented to the imagination of the passer-by. But who would offer it to a young lady? Such a present is equivalent to the gift of a wig. It is a ChristmasBox or a New Year's Gift of a class in which may be included several other articles of a similar description, but more useful, and much more ornamental. For instance, you might give a friend in need, personal and pecuniary, a Christmas-Box in the shape of a set of artificial teeth, or the "Guinea Jaw" of our friend the Dentist, or a glass eye, or a guttapercha nose, or a wooden leg.

Some of the "Presents for Christmas" above

referred to were Chignons which looked like horses' tails. Others of the Chignons for Christmas-Boxes exhibited a remarkable resemblance to the tail of a comet, from which eccentric luminary the idea of those prodigious top-knots may possibly have been borrowed. Astronomy, along with Geography and the Use of the Globes, has long formed a branch of female education. An intelligent girl, fresh from boarding-school, if requested to describe the Coma Berenices might, or might not inform her questioner that it was celestial Chignon.

"Our Wig!"

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AMONG the names of possible candidates for the Speakership was that of MR. SAMUEL WHITBREAD, Member for Bedford. He would be an excellent Speaker, but, as matter of humanity, Punch must have opposed this selection. Imagine a triumph of the Anti-Liquor League, imagine the success of a Bill for putting down Porter, and imagine a grandson of WHITBREAD having to say "That this Bill do pass !"

thing for it.. Ring the bell, and ask servant.

“0 yes, Sir! We were changing the drawers from this room to Master's. I dessay, Sir, they're in there." They are. Rapture! Flash.-Stirring subject for operatic and descriptive music-A Gentleman's Toilet in Difficulties. Next Difficulty.-Drop a stud suddenly. Hear it fall close by my foot. In fact, I feel, from some peculiar sensation in my foot, that it is here, on the floor, close to me. No. Hunt for it. Can't see it anywhere. [Mem.-Never travel without duplicate studs. Won't, another time.] Still stooping: feeling about the carpet. Hands getting dirty again, hair coming unbrushed, face growing warm and red.

Flash.-The stud being, as it were, an excrescence on the carpet, can be perceived by lying on the floor, (like an Indian listening to hear if anybody's coming,) and directing your eye in a right line. After this, clothes-brush required. Stud found at last exactly where I thought it had been at first.

Another Difficulty.-Time getting on. 7:10. PENDELL by this time anxious below. Every one arrived. I picture to myself RUDDOCK in the drawing-room, filling the mauvais quart d'heure by satirical reflections on the dandy (me) who hadn't time enough to beautify himself for dinner.

I should be down now, if it wasn't for the button on my collar-band. I feel that it's all over with it, if not touched gently. Once off, and worry will be my portion for the remainder of the evening. And I know what is the result of attempting to pin it. Note.-"Curses not loud, but deep." Quotation adapted to circumstances.

Last Difficulty, I hope.-After treating the button with suppressed emotion, dash at the white tie. I find myself asking myself, "Why the washerwoman will fold it all wrong, and starch it so that the slightest crinkle shows ?" I have no answer. Of course at any other moment I could tie it at once, and have done with it; but now first one end's too long, then the other end's too short; then, on the third trial, the middle part somehow gets hopelessly tucked into itself, and I am pulling at it, by mistake, for one of the ends. At last I get it something like all right, but not everything that could be desired. Waistcoat. Coat. Handkerchief! Where's handkerchief? Where isha! Down-stairs.

Everybody waiting, evidently. Apology. "Ah!" says PENDELL, "um-ah-now you've come, we 'll-um- -" and rings the bell.

I recognise some of our companions out otter-hunting to-day. Galaxy, too, of Cornish beauty, which means the darkest, brightest eyes and the clearest, freshest complexions. Not being introduced, I look about for Old RUDDOCK. There is an elderly gentleman sitting at a table looking over a photograph book. This is the nearest approach to Old RUDDOCK that I can see. Dinner announced. I take in MISS BODD, of Popthlanack, and follow the TRELISSACS, the TREGONIES of Tregivel,, and MAJOR PENOLVER, with MRS. SOMEBODY of Somewhere. Whom RUDDOCK takes, I don't know. A Discovery.-I am seated next to Old RUDDOCK of Ruddock, at dinner. PENDELL introduces us. A hale, hearty, elderly gentleman, with, if any expression at all, rather a sleepy one, as if a very little over-feeding would send him into a doze. Now then for a "Nicht wi' RUDDOCK!"

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Mr. Tittups (suggesting impossible Bank to full-sized Nimrod). "DON'T YOU THINK WE COULD HAVE IT HERE, SIR?"

POETRY OF FACT.

AT the festive season of the year particularly, people commonly complain that the newspapers are dull. Unless in exceptional years, nothing happens of which the narration is in anywise interesting, and the dearth of news is generally so extreme that journalists are actually driven to fill their columns with theological controversies.

The dryness of grammatical details has been surmounted by the device of putting them into metre, as in the As in Præsenti and the Propria que Maribus of the Eton Latin Grammar. Might not the contents of the Journals, in like sort, be rendered somewhat less prosy than they sometimes are by being versified? The telegrams would, perhaps, be peculiarly susceptible of this treatment, whereunto they seem to lend themselves in virtue of their characteristic conciseness, which it would enhance. The electric wire on New Year's Day transmitted a certain message from Rome. Here it is in the form of blank verse:

The King to-day received the Ministers.

The Deputations Parliamentary,
The State's great Officers, the military
And the municipal authorities,

And other delegates. His MAJESTY
Thanks for congratulations did return

To those who tendered them, occasionally,
Upon the New Year's Day; and he expressed
His hope that, 'twixt the representative
Great bodies of the People and the State,
The concord, which the national unity
Doth to complete essentially conduce,
Would ever be maintained.

The Court Circular could be rendered in heroic rhymes. As thus:-
The QUEEN walked in the Castle Grounds this morn;

The DUKE OF EDINBURGH, LOUISE, of Lorne

The Princess, and the Marquis with his bride,
For Town left Windsor after this noon-tide.
PRINCE ARTHUR, by SIR HOWARD ELPHINSTONE
Attended, went to Dover, too, anon.

Right Honourable GLADSTONE here has been To-day, and had an audience of the QUEEN, The Premier, after that, remained to lunch, The dinner-party included Mr. Punch. Other intelligence, miscellaneous or special, could be couched in lyrical measures. Take a specimen of a money article:The English funds, this blessed day, Have no fresh movement known, Save of one-eighth a rise had they, Which could not hold its own.

Consols so little looked alive,
As quoted but to be

At ninety-two one half, to five-
Eighths, for delivery.

Excitement did the day throughout
The Railway Market thrill;
Shares have been briskly pushed about,
And prices risen still."

A hundred thousand pounds in gold
Came, at the Bank, to hand,

And much for discount there, behold!
Increased was the demand.

Police reports also could be embodied in song, as, for example:—
At Worship Street came PETER FAKE, a young thief,
Charged with stealing a watch, unto summary grief.
For three months, with hard labour, committed was he,
And well whipped, in addition, was ordered to be.

The prisoner, on hearing his sentence, no doubt
More than he had expected, burst instantly out
In a howl, of a sort which description would mock;
In the midst of it he was removed from the dock.

And so on. The suggestion above exemplified will perhaps be

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Houses of Parliament without an order from the Lord about to be presented to Her Royal Highness the PRINCESS LOUISE of Hesse, by way of a "At a meeting of the Bury Town Council this week, it was stated that an address was Chamberlain; he can take books out of the Library on public appreciation of her exertions on behalf of His Royal Highness the PRINCE OF leaving a small deposit; he can call a wherry and go on WALES. It was also stated that it was proposed to present a cabinet, containing the photothe river whenever he pleases; every tenth cygnet born graphic likenesses of those signing the address-Sheriffs and other officers in their between Lambeth and London Bridge is his by prescrip- respective uniforms, and Mayors of boroughs in their robes." tive right; and he is at liberty to charge the Consolidated Fund with the cost of any refreshment he may require during official hours, and with all cab fares to and from the House.

A MORE interesting gallery of portraits it would be difficult to imagine, especially, if, as the encouraging words, "and other officers" incline us to hope may be the case, the macebearers, beadles, and town-criers, with The most terrible exercise of the Speaker's authority possibly a selection from the police, are included in the cabinet. Perhaps it is when he "names" a Member. The miserable man would not be advisable to admit Sheriffs' officers. A fac-simile autograph is committed to the Tower for life, and allowed no underneath each photograph, with the addition of the writer's usual formula book to read but Hansard; his estates are forfeited to of subscription "Yours truly," "Ever faithfully yours," &c. - would the Crown, and once a year, on the day when he com- materially enhance the value of the present. Everyone, who can appremitted the offence for which he was named," he is ciate good taste, in combination with retiring modesty, must be struck with taken by the Constable of the Tower in a tumbril to this, the latest outburst of corporate zeal; and the impression such a delicate Westminster, to beg pardon of the SPEAKER and the attention as the offering of a cabinet containing the likenesses of some House on his knees. of the most remarkable characters of their time, will produce upon foreign nations, already full of admiration of our loyalty and envying us our Mayors, cannot fail to be most gratifying to the nation's vanity.

*Lucus a non lucendo.-Sil. Ital. de Arbor., xv., 1019.

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MORE OFFICIAL CENSORSHIP OF PANTOMIME.

Policeman. "I WOULDN'T HAVE MINDED A QUIET PERFORMANCE; BUT TO BEGIN INSULTIN' THE LAWR UNDER MY WERY EYES!(Waxing wroth)-MOVE ON! OR BLOW'D IF I DON'T RUN YER IN!"

SURPRISING A CASTLE.

THE least ancient and least interesting part of Warwick Castle has been burned. Subscriptions are tendered in aid of a restoration. Question is raised whether LORD WARWICK should accept these, lest the public should consider that by subscribing it acquires a certain right in the Castle, and that the Earl's legend will have a second meaning, when affixed over the new buildings: Vix ea nostra voco. The suggestion is unworthy and sordid. Mr. Punch would like to see a vote of the Commons in aid of the subscription for conserving about the noblest relic left to us. He would be glad to say to the Earl, in LORD WARWICK's own words in the Temple Garden, after certain rose-plucking,

"This blot that they object against your House

Shall be wiped off in the next Parliament."

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The cool idea that giving a nobleman help to rebuild entitles one to walk into his property, is concentrated cheekiness; and if castles are capable of astonishment, Mr. Punch would again quote W. S. to the Earl, and say, "Your Castle is surprised."

Dirt! Dirt! Dirt!

WE have all been taught to tread the path of duty, but some of us seem to have forgotten the lesson. May we entreat Commissioners, Boards, Corporations, Vestries, Parochial Authorities, indeed, any responsible and rate-levying body which has got into bad ways, to do their duty to our paths; and if not this winter, perhaps the next-or, not to be too exorbitant, the next after that -to keep the pavements and the roadways passably clean? It would be a satisfaction to those of us who have reached middle age to think that we may yet live to see the streets of London, and other wealthy towns and cities, rather less lutulent than country lanes and rural roads. When will the scavenger be abroad?

THE SICK MAN IN THE VATICAN.

Vatican on New Year's Day to wish the POPE the compliments of the season on behalf of His Majesty. On arriving there, he was informed by CARDINAL ANTONELLI that the Holy Father was indisposed, and could not, therefore, receive him personally. The Cardinal undertook to deliver the compliments of the King, and the General left. A few hours after, the POPE was completely recovered, and held his usual receptions."

"It is stated that VICTOR EMMANUEL sent GENERAL PRALORMO to the

THE faithful should congratulate the POPE upon his rapid, almost miraculous recovery. From the moment the wicked King's emissary was out of the precincts of the Vatican, the symptoms became more favourable, and the Court physicians were released from their attendance. We notice, only to dismiss it with scorn, an impression which appears to exist that the Holy Father was "indisposed," in the primary sense of the word, as worldly sovereigns have been before now; for it is not for an instant to be supposed that a Cardinal would put forth, and a Pope sanction, any excuse which was not in accordance with the strictest truth.

Theological News,

HIS GRACE the DUKE OF SOMERSET, some time First Lord of the Admiralty, has come out as a writer on theology. Needless to say that he is not ceremonious in his treatment of eminent persons. He is by no means complimentary to the Apostles. His teaching may be condensed into his own motto, For pour Devoir, translated subtly. In these days everybody seems ready to instruct us in religion-except the Bishops.

JUSTICE TO IRELAND.

MOTTO FOR A BOTTLE OF POTHEEN.-"Oireland! with all thy faults I love thy still."

Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 86, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.-SATURDAY, January 13, 1872.

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WE do not covet the post of Prime Minister, nor yet that of Lord Chancellor, especially if, when Parliament re-assembles, a recent judicial appointment should be sharply discussed. We can think of the choice of a new Speaker without discontent with our own lowly lot, and at the present time envy of the Lord Chief Justice of the Common Pleas is not the predominant feeling in our breasts. But of all places, posts, offices, appointments, and dignities within the reach of an Englishman, the one which excites in us the least desire is that of "Examiner of Plays."

Who, with a heart, can resist feelings of the deepest commiseration, the most profound pity for the sufferings of another, when he hears that in twelve short years it has been the unhappy lot of the present Examiner to read one thousand eight hundred dramatic pieces-one thousand eight hundred tragedies, comedies, melodramas, farces, pantomimes, burlesques, and extravaganzas ? There are labours which no salary can remunerate, services which no fees can requite.

A DISTINGUISHED "FRIEND."

"In consideration of a costly present which MR. JOSFPH PEASE, of South-end, Darlington, has made to the Spanish nation, the young King of that country has conferred upon him the Grand Cross of a Spanish order, and MR. PEASE, who is a Quaker, has agreed to accept the distinction."-Echo.

HOME-RULE.

HAS Repeal, that in 'Forty was folly,
Grown sense in Eighteen-seventy-two?
Will the walls that defied Big DAN's volley,
Be by BUTT's brass two-pounder split through?

Has PADDY, that still has craved ruling

And rulers, in wrong as in right,

Of a sudden out-grown schools and schooling,
And shot to Self-Government's height?

And was it but bottomless boasting,

With a point from Hibernian wit,-
That there ne'er yet was Irishman roasting,
But an Irishman's hand turned the spit?"

Is it JOHN that across the Atlantic

Stamps PAT Order's foe ever known;
And declares him a nuisance gigantic,
Till Yankee Home-Rule ousts his own?

Must hist'ry, as writ all untruly,

Like Hebrew, be read in reverse,

That, since STRONG-Bow, shows Ireland unruly,
With lawlessness cursed as chief curse?

When the best of the race for home-ruling
Are those that Home-Rule most distrust;
As convinced that to trust Irish "tooling,"
Will bring Erin's car in the dust.
Home-Rule! 'Tis a compound sonorous,
Fine phrase on a green flag to fly;
But take stock of the stuff that 's before us-
And who shall the Home-Rule supply?

Is 't your own Irish Lords, Irish Commons,
Who adorned College Green long ago?
But to London would rather hear summons,
Than in Dublin be tied by the toe :

For the Greenest of all, the best brother
Of PAT in JOHN BULL can discern;
And to cool English air from the smother
Of your factions, is thankful to turn.

Is 't the Lawyers, who look for preferment,
Praise, pence, and distinction, o'er sea;
And when they have ris'n by your ferment,
Will be glad your close corking to see?

Is 't your National Papers-press-razors,
Produced not to shave, but to sell-
Whose scribes might seem genuine blazers,
Did not conjurors spit fire as well?

Is 't your Priests, with the gag and the blinders,
Which Church would fain use to tame Law:
Their pincers, for law-reason's grinders,
Their scissors, for lay-reason's claw?

Is 't your Peasants, in feuds and in factions
Stark mad, for a nothing or name:

In their lodges, at murder's black pactions,
Or from a dyke-back taking aim?

In short, gauging all ranks and classes-
Those who are, or will be, by the ears-
The units, as well as the masses,

Lawyers, traders, priests, press, peasants, peers

All ages, from seventy to twenty,

All shades, from deep knave to born fool

I find means of "Home MIs-rule" in plenty,
But where are the means of "Home Rule"?

A Coming Retirement.

A QUAKER a Grand Cross! We should as soon have expected to be introduced to a Quaker Field Marshal. Henceforth the sensation of surprise must be numbered amongst the lost feelings. Nothing now can move us more. Not the sun rising in the west, not the spectacle of an Irish Roman Catholic Bishop teaching in a Protestant Sunday school, not a Teetotal Lord Mayor, not the THE Speaker's Commentary is already favourably appointment of MR. TOMLINE as Master of the Mint, or SIR CHARLES DILKE known. We anticipate a very favourable commentary as Lord-Lieutenant of Middlesex, not the total abolition of the Income Tax, not on the SPEAKER, when Parliament re-assembles. the conversion of MR. WHALLEY and MR. NEWDEGATE to Popery, not the purification of the streets,-no, not even the bestowal of the Grand Cross of our own Order of the Bath on some Englishman eminent in Art, Literature, or Science!

"DONNE'S SATIRES."-Pantomimes without political jokes.

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