AN EARLY QUIBBLE. George. THERE, AUNT MARY! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? I DREW THE HORSE, AND ETHEL DREW THE JOCKEY!" A MONSIGNOR ON MIMES. WHY do not such Parsons as BENNETT of Frome, A miss there's as bad as a mile, they must know, Outsiders the reason why still they remain Now, playing at Papists, those Anglicans high At Papists they therefore continue to play, On the fools whom they bully and lead by the nose. Thus mere self-opinion their souls doth enthral, As ARCHBISHOP TAIT, SPURGEON, Punch, and JOHN BULL. REALLY CONSEQUENTIAL CLAIMS.-The Beadle's. TERRIBLE TEMPTATION. IN a certain Bill now under the consideration of a Select Committee, there is a clause which makes us wonder how it could ever have entered into the head of the honourable and learned gentleman by whom the measure including it was prepared. That Bill is the Juries' Bill; its author is the ATTORNEY-GENERAL: and the clause, which it appears almost incredible that anyone endowed with the moral sensibility of SIR JOHN COLERIDGE could have conceived, provides that "persons convicted of felony shall be no longer qualified to serve on juries." Considering the loss of time and money, in such a case as CASTRO's action for instance, to which jurors are liable, and considering, further, that in other cases they are often subjected to the disgusting punishment of being locked up together all night, it is really astonishing that it never struck the ATTORNEY-GENERAL that exemption from the possibility of being saddled with the office of juror, obtained by getting convicted of a felony, would operate on many people in danger of being compelled to serve on juries, as a very powerful incentive to commit a little one. Noverca. MASTER BANDERSNATCH is learning Latin. The other day he declared that a Step-mother must be an idle woman. His reason being demanded, he said that she was no-vurker. He was worked off to bed, promptly. THE POPE'S OWN AND THE PRETENDERS. WELL done, very well done, MONSIGNOR CAPEL! He pitched into the Ritualists; gave it them well. HABEAS CORPUS (No. 2).-The Anatomy Act. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.-MAY 25, 1872. 66 UNDER THE DARK BLUE WATERS." FATHER NEPTUNE. " MESSAGES! MESSAGES! WHY THERE'S NOTHING BUT MESSAGES! LOOK HERE, GIRLS. IF THEY CAN'T COME TO TERMS ONE WAY OR TOTHER, AND LET ME ENJOY MY WHITS'N HOLIDAYS IN PEACE AND QUIET-BLEST IF I DON'T BREAK THE CABLE!!" tinct notice." antagonist. MISS SMUDGKINS' Uncle now perceived that MASTER HARRY was a boy of far greater penetration and perseverance than he had at first imagined. With these mutual professions of esteem they thought it prudent to terminate their conversation. The last cheer was yet ringing in their ears as the shriek of the engine announced to the multitude that the holidays were over, and that MASTERS SANDFORD and MERTON were returning to their tutor's house in order to perfect themselves in those studies which refine the manners of mankind and raise the intelligent scholar above the uncultivated barbarian. "I protest, Sir," said TOMMY, "that our compulsory absence from the Metropolis has prevented our witnessing and giving our opinions, so useful to the public, on the various plays which have been recently produced." our And they shall not call in vain, and the distinct "My dear TOMMY and HARRY," returned MR. BARLOW, notice Punch gives them opinion, and, indeed, the opinion of all honest critics is, though of is that they are sesquipe- much value to the public, of small import to those who manage our dalian kusses. We shall places of public entertainment, and who, I perceive, are now printhave the really lovely ing, as advertisements, not the favourable notices of their shows, flowers, the Fairies of the which they have been probably unable to obtain, but their own Old Creation, crying out praises of their own wares. The critic's occupation is, for the time, for new titles next. Who gone, and therefore, until MASTER MERTON's father shall present remembers, or rather who us with stalls for either Opera House, you will quietly and perseforgets BARRY CORNWALL'S Veringly devote your time to the lessons which it is at once my duty Weavers' song,'Tis Better and my pleasure to teach you. Your holidays have indeed been an to Sing than Grieve?instructive time to both of you." "Come, show us the rose with its hundred dyes, The lily without a blot, The violet, deep as your true-love's eyes, And the little forget-me not." Are we to have this re-written in the following fashion ? "The Rosa deschenhaultiana, come, show us; The Lilium sepalis albis, white. With the Viola ranunculifolia endow us, EVENINGS FROM HOME. Last Evening of MASTERS TOMMY MERTON and HARRY SANDFORD with MR. BARLOW at Torcombe Abbey Boarding-House, and their Departure for their Tutor's Residence. MR. BARLOW, on retiring for the night, restored to HARRY a small portion of the money with which he had been intrusted during the dance, remarking that "he had retained a certain sum in order to defray his educational expenses, and had presented MISS SMUDGKINS' Uncle with an amount sufficient to satisfy the demands of the honest landlord." HARRY, who was of a most generous disposition, thanked his tutor for his kindness, and expressed his hope of being able to teach both him and his young friend TOMMY the game in which he was now a proficient. Mr. Barlow. I am indeed obliged to you, my dear HARRY, and your offer reminds me of the story of The Grandmother and the Eggs, which Harry. I do indeed remember it, Sir; and as it is now just twelve o'clock, I would recommend you, Sir, to seek that repose which is the reward of innocence, temperance, and virtue. Thus saying, HARRY, taking the only remaining bedchamber candle, which MR. BARLOW had lighted for his own use, quickly ascended the staircase, and was soon lost to view in the darkness of the passage. MR. BARLOW now spent one hour most agreeably in attempting to discover the position of his own bedchamber, a proceeding in which the boots and clothes of the sleeping inmates played no inconsiderable part. Early the next morning all the inhabitants of Torcombe were assembled to witness the departure of the now renowned trio. On this occasion no one exhibited greater signs of grief than the REV. ZENOTHELUS POTTS. The venerable old man seized the hand of MASTER HARRY, and bedewing it with tears, gave way to the strong emotions of gratitude which overwhelmed his mind. 64 Generous youth," said he, "I know not by what extraordinary fortune you have been able to overcome me at the game of écarté, in which my skill has hitherto been acknowledged to be unrivalled. But beyond this, you have nobly effected our deliverance when we imagined ourselves out of the reach of human succour. If the uniform gratitude and affection of myself and my nieceHarry. Nay, Sir, you infinitely overrate the merits of the service which chance has enabled me to perform. Here taking him aside, HARRY explained to him the nature of the stratagem by which alone he had been enabled to come off victoriously when fate had pitted him, a second time, against so worthy an Harry. Indeed, Sir, your remarks remind me of what you were telling me the other day of Xenophon and the Sarcastic Bloater, relate. You must know thenwhich, as MASTER TOMMY has not heard it, I will now proceed to But at this instant the train stopped at the Bath Station. Here, it being their journey's end, they were compelled to alight, and in another ten minutes they were safely within the gates of Jericho House, Coventry Road, the residence of their beloved tutor. 66 Now," ," said MR. BARLOW to himself, when, after carefully locking his two pupils into their separate rooms, he entered his study and commenced an examination of a bundle of small apple twigs which were tied on to light and supple canes. "Ah!!" said MR. BARLOW, as he swished one of these to and fro, and then tried its strength by flogging the dust out of one of the chair-cushions. "Now!!" repeated the beloved tutor of MASTERS HARRY SANDFORD and TOMMY MERTON as he quitted the study and ascended the staircase. BARLOW with the greatest possible respect, and each other with The following morning both his youthful pupils regarded MR. every appearance of tenderness. "HARRY!" whispered MASTER TOMMY, in whose face an unusual dejection was visible. TOMMY!" returned HARRY, sadly, as soon as they were alone, and the Pachydermatous Armchair, which, if you have not already our present circumstances remind me of the story of The Mermaid heard it, I will at once proceed to narrate. You must know then But here the presence of MR. BARLOW was announced in such a tasks were now placed before them, it was evident, that, with the manner as rendered further conversation impossible; and, as their close of the vacation had recommenced the schooltime of the Incomparable and Inseparable MASTERS SANDFORD and MERTON. FOREIGNERS' FIRESHIPS. Of course the Admiralty will take no notice till too late, of an advance in naval warfare which will either save us the expense of making artillery, or cost us our navy. It is thus briefly described by the Post : "The system proposed in Prussia, and already adopted to some extent in America, is to furnish vessels with an apparatus capable of discharging several hundred gallons of petroleum to the distance of at least one hundred feet, and the system is at once practicable, perfectly safe, easy of application, very cheap, and of deadly efficacy." Were NELSON now living, his advice to the Captain of a British man-of-war in action would perhaps be, "Lay your ship alongside of the enemy's and pump petroleum on fire into her." At present it would be impossible for this advice to be followed by any but an Officer in a foreign navy. THE COMET IS COMING! MUNDUS fuit would be the last words written by the Last Man, only there will be no last man to write them. The Comet is coming. We possess all the particulars, and we are only too happy to publish them in order to terrify everybody. Perhaps, however, people will not be so much terrified as might be expected. Such weather as we have been enjoying must have prepared folks for anything, to say nothing of the warnings afforded by Antioch, Vesuvius, and the blight of new potatoes. However, this is what is going to happen: "Within a few weeks we shall be able, without the help of telescopes, to see the little cloud, no bigger than a man's hand, and fraught with omens more dreadful than have ever before affrighted the human race. It will grow, slowly at first, but afterwards with a rate of increase almost perceptible to our naked vision, till at last the whole sky will be lit up with the fiery portent. Night by night we shall watch its terrible growth, and before long it will be brilliant enough to outshine the sun itself. The temperature will rise to be first tropical, and then botter than anything that is endured in the hottest room of a Turkish bath. But the time during which we shall be conscious of excessive heat will be brief indeed. The two large bodies, plunging toward each other at a pace compared with which the speed of a cannon-ball is absolute rest, will crash into each other with a hideous collision. We shall not have time even for an ejaculation. The petty race of insects that crawls amongst the little excrescences on the earth's skin will be instantaneously dismissed from existence." This was written some little time back, but we thought that there was no use in protracting people's discomfort, so we kept it back. But it comes from the best authority, and it is published with the approbation of the Astronomer Royal, the Lord Chancellor, the Clerk of the Weather, the Chairman of the Metropolitan Board of Works, and CAPTAIN SHAW, of the Fire Brigade. We believe, in fact, that the nose of the Comet has already been seen above the horizon, but it is rather a long nose, and takes some time to demonstrate itself fully. But there it is, and the rest is coming up behind. Therefore, if any subscriber to Punch has not paid up his subscriptions, or has not completed his set of volumes, the sooner he communicates with the Publisher the better. WAVING OUR KERCHIEF. culty, and the last telegram, from the Musical World office, has WE will not deceive you longer. This is the real American diffisettled it, as follows: 6 "MADAME ARABELLA GODDARD has accepted an engagement to play s several concerts, in the great Boston Peace Jubilee,' under the direction of MR. GILMORE, and will leave London on Saturday, the 8th of June." "That goes against the MACNABS," observed the swimming Highlander, MACNAB, when his enemy, a MACINTOSH, cut off his own hand in the water, and pitched it on shore-the bargain having been that the land was to belong to the first who "laid hand" on it. For the MACNABS, read the English. A grim story, yet appro priate in the case of one whose hand has achieved a thousand triumphs. We are to lose her, unless war breaks out before the eighth, and bella keep ARABELLA at home. This we dare not hope for, and so we wish her bon voyage, a series of triumphs, and a happy return. ARABELLA" has ever been Mr. Punch's ward, since he wrote of "The young and gifted MISS GODDARD 66 Whom with admiration all the critical squad heard;" and he caps those exquisite verses with two as lovely:"None holds high-class music in more real honour than The hospitable, Indirect-claiming, but otherwise unexceptionable JONATHAN." |