"For President we'll choose an ass,
And BOTTOм top shall be!"

Sudden a tile of monstrous size
Upon his ass-head hurled,
Shocks him from his Fools'-Paradise,
Back to the waking-world.
And lo, things are not upside-down,
Heads have not all turned tails:
Cobblers have not assumed the Crown,
Nor Roughs smashed all the rails.
All is serene, for PRINCE and QUEEN
JOHN BULL cheers as they pass;
And Bully BOTTOM, feeling mean,
Suspects himself an ass.

And Punch lest he the lesson miss,
Plucks off his ass's jowl,

And shows him how he looked in this,

Adorned with Phrygian cowl!

And PETER QUINCE for QUEEN and PRINCE,
And for his gossip's good,

This ballad-scheme of BOTTOM's dream,
Hath writ, and cut in wood.

Whence the Queen's Lieges all may learn
How such dreams read should be,
Their lack of bottom may discern,
And plain truth through them see!

THE PARKS BILL.

HIS Bill is to be
reprinted with
amendments. By
a fortunate combi-
nation of circum-
stances, with which,
we are bound to
add, the Queen's
Printers have not
the remotest con-
nection, we are en-
abled to satisfy
public curiosity and

The charge for a chair without arms will remain as at present fixed, but the occupant will not be allowed to retain it beyond two hours, except in cold weather. When the present contract with the lessees of the chairs expires, the Chief Commissioner will take them into his own hands.

To promote the study of natural science amongst the upper classes, once a week, during the months of May, June, and July, the Chief Commissioner will hold an afternoon Botanical Class in Hyde Park, and lecture on its trees, plants, and flowering shrubs, with the aid of the descriptive labels belonging to them. Ladies and gentlemen attending the class will have the option of taking notes, and passing an examination in the lectures at the end of the London Season, when prizes will be awarded to the most proficient students.

Within twelve months of the Bill receiving the Royal Assent, the group of Achilles at Hyde Park Corner, and the equestrian statue surmounting the Arch on Constitution Hill, will be removed to the middle of Hampstead Heath and Epping Forest respectively; unless, in the mean time, a requisition signed by the Presidents of the various incorporated Art Societies in the Metropolis, be presented to the Chief Commissioner imploring him to retain these memorials of a nation's gratitude in their present positions.

The estimates for the financial year 1872-3 will include a sum for replanting Primrose Hill with primroses, crocuses, snowdrops, and other Spring flowers. To lessen the expense to the nation, contributions of plants and bulbs are solicited. They will be thankfully received and officially acknowledged.

The design for any drinking fountain proposed to be erected in a Royal Park or Garden, must be approved by a Committee of Taste, to consist of a Royal Academician, a Fellow of the Institute of British Architects, an official of the Science and Art Department, the Editor of the Art Journal, LORD ELCHO, MR. BERESFORD HOPE, and a prominent Teetotaller.

Smoking will be permitted in the Parks and Gardens, and encouraged in the Conservatories; but samples of the tobacco and cigars must be sent, ten days beforehand, to the Office of Works, which will submit them to the Customs, which will confer with the Excise, which will report upon them to the Treasury, which will consult the Board of Trade, and a decision will be given before the Parliamentary Recess.

No alteration will be made in the existing arrangements for the custody, preservation, and maintenance of the birds on the ornamental waters, but that the expense of keeping up the Parks may be reduced to the lowest point consistent with the national honour and dignity, as the present fowls die off, their places will not be filled up. Calculations having been made by the Government Actuary that an important addition to the Revenue may be derived from sources to give an outline of income hitherto unaccountably neglected, young gentlemen and of the alterations ladies sailing their own boats on the Serpentine and other navigable which will be sub-waters, will, from the passing of the Act, be charged a small fee for mitted to the House the accommodation. In addition to the usual payments, boat-money of Commons. will also be levied on all persons hiring pleasure vessels or availing themselves of the ferries. A charge of one penny will be made for every dog thrown into or allowed to enter the water. Kites may be flown as at present, free of expense.

No Public Meeting will be permitted to be held in any of the Parks, without the presence in the Chair of the Ranger, the Chief Commissioner of Works, the Prime Minister, the Lord Mayor, or one of the Sheriffs, the Chairman of the Metropolitan Board of Works, or MR. W. VERNON HARCOURT. The resolutions to be proposed must previously be laid before and approved by the two Houses of Convocation, the Committee of the Carlton Club, or the Commissioners for the Reduction of the National Debt.

No Appointments for Private Meetings in the Parks will in future be allowed to be made, without the permission in writing of the Ranger or the Chief Commissioner, who will require satisfactory proof that the parents or guardians of the lady are aware of the attachment, and give their consent to the proposed congress.

Any Deputy-Ranger, Park-keeper, or Policeman, who may observe a female domestic servant in charge of children, with or without a perambulator, seated on a bench or on the grass, and talking to, laughing with, or smiling on a young man wearing a military uniform, is empowered to interrupt their proceedings, and to demand from him his name and the name and station of his regiment, and from her the name and address of her employer; and to caution them that they will not be suffered to renew the acquaintance in any of the Royal Parks or Gardens, without the production, on the part of the soldier, of an authority signed by his commanding officer, and, on the part of the nursemaid of a letter from her mistress sanctioning the intimacy.

In consequence of the high price of provisions, the fee for the hire of a chair provided with arms will be reduced to three-halfpence.

Flirting in the Royal Parks and Gardens will be strictly prohibited. The deputy-rangers, park-keepers, and police have orders to enforce with the utmost stringency the regulations laid down for the prevention of this reprehensible practice.

As the country contributes towards the cost of the military bands, and the taxpayers enjoy but rare opportunities of hearing their music gratuitously, a regimental band will play in each of the Royal Parks and Gardens on one day in the week during the Summer.

66

SAD FACT OF SOBRIETY.

66

A CORRESPONDENT of the Morning Post, under the name of "SOBERSIDES," expresses his hope that SIR W. LAWSON, SIR R. ANSTRUTHER, &c., took the opportunity of seeing" that the statement of a certain clique that their fellow-countrymen are drunken " was inapplicable to the dense masses in the streets of London on Tuesday night." It is not to be expected that ocular evidence of the sobriety of the multitude, even upon an occasion of festivity, would have the slightest effect on the minds or intentions of "SIR W. LAWSON, SIR R. ANSTRUTHER, &c.," the "&c." including the REV. DAWSON BURNS and the rest of the agitators for a Prohibitory Permissive Democratic Despotic Liquor Law. The &c.," as the Teetotal Gentlemen of the Platform may be called after the Chinese manner of denoting all foreigners by the letter "I," do not clamour for the closure of public-houses simply or even principally in order to the prevention of the drunkenness which they allege to prevail amongst the people. It is not so much to abate drunkenness that they want as to forbid drinking, that is to say, the use of drinks which they have renounced themselves. No doubt, in fact, both the &c." and their leaders would, instead of being at all gratified, on the contrary, have been very much disgusted at a remarkable indication of the decrease of drunkenness presented to them by the conduct of the crowd in the London streets, rejoicing, but spontaneously sober. Proof of sobriety growing voluntarily amongst the people deprives the &c." with LAWSON and DAWSON, and ANSTRUTHER to boot, at their head, of all excuse for demanding a statute to make it compulsory.

66

Shocking Fellows.

OFFENDERS diverse, on pretences
Equally false, commit offences;
Some rogues in office malversation;
All hymnists malversification.

her

"THE HARP IN THE AIR."

Irish Gentleman (who has vainly endeavoured to execute a Jig to the fitful Music of the Telegraph Wires). "SHURE! WHOIVER Y'ARE YE CAN'T PLAY A BIT! How CAN A JINTLEMAN DANCE-(hic !)-IV YE DON'T KAPE THIME?"!!

THE CHANCE OF A CRUSADE.

WHISPER THIS.

THE American Government persists. Hm! We know the American advice tendered to the Tichborne Jury. Our Yankee friends are smart. Can it can it be that they mean to "square the Arbitrators."

not only did not ever excommunicate, or even signify that he so much as dreamt of excommunicating, usurpers of that title, but did not hesitate to bless them over and over again, and bid them prodeem sufficiently well requited by another. The heir of St. Louis, sper. One indifferent turn his Most Christian Majesty would perhaps moreover, may possibly consider that the interests of the Papacy altogether would be best left to be promoted by other wonders than those which were for a season worked in its cause by Imperial Chassepôts.

CHANGING OUR MIND.

Is there piety enough in France to encourage the Ultramontanes This pin hoping for another European religious war, even now, at this time of day? They seem to flatter themselves there may be; apparently are not at any rate praying for peace in our time. Some of them are said to have petitioned the National Assembly that "France should protest against the territorial spoliation of the Church." These Ultramontanes do not need to be told that those whom they invoke to turn Protestants on the Papal behalf would protest to little purpose unless their protest were backed with big battalions. Big battalions being chargeable, query, whether, if France had as much piety, of the Popish species, as pluck, the French could afford to exhibit the former in exerting the latter, and whether M. THIERS would be willing just now, before he has as yet paid off the Germans, to plunge his country in war for the idea of reinstating the POPE in his temporal sovereignty? That would obviously depend on his continuance, as the case may be, in the opinion that such piety is the best policy; or his adoption, also possible, of the thought But, on second thoughts, MR. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS was the that honesty is. He has reason for coming round to the proverbial inventor of America. On the whole, just now, we think that he ought view. It were too illogical, he may perceive, for Republican French- to be in a penitent state of mind, and if the above be evidence that men who have chosen their own Government, to reimpose a despot- he is, we are inclined to believe well of him.

I

ism on their neighbour twice. Perhaps it would be more prudent, in his eyes, to secure the friendship of Italy, than to attempt, and perhaps not succeed in, undoing the accomplished fact of Italian Unity.

WE saw this in the Times the other day, and had intended to remark upon it, that the advertiser's friends might do well to take affectionate care of him :

"CONSCIENCE MONEY.-The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER acknow

ledges the receipt of £8, in £1 Scotch bank-notes, for Income-tax, from MR. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS."

An Eye to Business.

If, however, the prosperity of Ultramontane intrigues should SHIRTMAKERS, haberdashers, hosiers, and others interested in the crown the COUNT DE CHAMBORD, could the faithful of that denomi- retail linen trade, felt great satisfaction at the public announcenation repose any trust in the likelihood that HENRI CINQ will start ment that Tuesday, the 27th of February, was to be a "Collar Day,' a Crusade for the purpose of putting the Holy Humpty-Dumpty and looked forward to a large demand for an indispensable article together again? Perhaps KING HENRY would think twice, and of clothing. Our aristocracy, at all events, seem not to have disonce more, like MR. GLADSTONE in another case supposed, before appointed their expectations, for the Echo, in its account of the engaging all the King's horses, and all the King's men (who would scene in St. Paul's, expressly mentioned that "LORD RIPON and be wanted) in such an enterprise. And might not the legitimate LORD HALIFAX" were conspicuous with their white collars,' Eldest Son of the Church perchance remember that the Holy Father which, no doubt, had been purchased for the occasion.

66

UNAPPRECIATED LOYALTY.

SCENE-The Town Residence of Captain Grummet of the Mercantile Marine.

First Bystander. "HULLO, BILL! HERE'S A GAME! WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?"
Second Ditto. "O, THIS IS SOME FLAG-MAKER, YOU MAY DEPEND. THEY'VE BEEN AND
SHUT HIS SHOP UP BY ACT o' PARLIMENT, AND HE'S A BLOWIN' THE MOTH OUT OF HIS
STOCK"!!

[Now the Captain had refused a Trinity House ticket to view the Procession, that he might stop
at home and "Dress Ship" for the occasion, and overhearing this misrepresentation, as he
stood at his garden-gate, was considerably riled.

WE live and learn. Even those who are best acquainted with London must realise how little they know of its vastness, and especially of the immense area of its principal park, when they read that "another of the four quarters of the globe which surround the Albert Memorial in Hyde Park has been placed in position." Their feeling will be one of amazed incredulity, until they go on and find that "the subject is Asia, and the Sculptor, MR. FOLEY, R.A."

Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Sq zare, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Frinting Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lambert Street, in the Precinct of White friars, int ie City of London, and Published by him at No. 86, Fleet Street, in the Parish of bt. Bride, City of London.-SATURDAY, March 9, 1871.